Pei's Momma

Each week seems to bring about a new surprise in the grief and attachment area. Pei seems to be grieving a bit this past week .

No trigger just a bit sad and far away.

So, it is in the midst of our after dinner routine that Pei decides to have a melt down. I really do not think much about it . She is two and occasionally will cry and call my name... repeatedly. So, I lean down and ask her what is wrong. And that is when it happened. She pulled away from me while she was still calling momma.

OUCH!

At that point I realized it was her foster mom that she was calling for not me.

I would be lying if I said that it did not hurt a little bit but it was like a light bulb went on in my head. She has done so well her with us that I really thought that she was moving past the grief.

But I was wrong .

Since we have been home from China we have not shown her any photos of the foster family. I thought that we should wait a bit and let her settle in a bit more . So after this I decided it was time. I can not even begin to imagine what is going on in her little mind and heart. The only momma that she has ever know and loved was there one day and gone the next.

So, the next day I pull up a photo of Pei and her foster mom. I think I held my breath until I saw her reaction. She looked at it and smiled. So, I am thinking okay you can breath now!

I pointed at Pei and said "Who is that?" and she said "Pei Pei". Next , I pointed to the foster momma and said "Who is that ?" and she answered " Momma".

[Insert a sigh ]

I have to say it felt like someone had kicked the air out of me. But worse than that my heart just broke for her.

So, then I pointed to my chest and said "Who am I?".

At that very moment that little girl came over to me and wrapped her arms around my legs and sweetly said "My Momma".

[insert a really happy sigh}

So, there you have it . My beautiful daughter has three mommas.

She has her birth mother who held and loved her for four days before she picked a place to leave her where she knew she would be found .

Next , she has her foster mom in China that was not afraid to love Pei knowing that she too would have to give her away. But despite that she loved and cared for her like her mother.

And last she has me. Her final and forever momma. I am the one that gets to reap the benefits and sacrifices of the first two mommas. I get the greatest gift of all ... Pei as my forever daughter.

So, one day when she asks about her life story I will tell her that she was so special that God gave her three mommas to love her.

As we sat down for Thanksgiving dinner I could not help but think back to last year. When we awoke on Thanksgiving day we received an email from X that we received our pre approval for Pei. Along with that PA we received some updated photos. I honestly was scared to death ! It was so real at that point, we truly had found our little girl.

But as I sit down for dinner this year this year that same little girl is sitting right beside me. I could not help but watch her and think last year I could only dream about her . But this year she is sitting as close as she can possibly get to me , meowing like a baby kitty. I can not help but feel so thankful that my baby girl is finally home .

Three months home

November 2nd marked three months that Pei has been with us! I hardly can believe that it has been three months since we first laid eyes on our little girl. Now, it seems like time is flying by! But there was a time not so long ago that it seemed like the days would creep by! I longed to get past the grief and all of the trials and get to the "good "part. It would seem like at times we would take a step forward than take a couple back. All of the progress being made would seem like it would disappear in an instant. And I could not wait to hit the gas peddle and "blaze" past this part of the process.

Sad to say but true.

Where we are at today is a far cry from three months ago! We have now moved past all of the grief and the sadness has been replaced with true happiness with an occasional tantrum! That being said , Pei has become one of the happiest little girls I have ever seen. The transformation is incredible!

I have to admit I too have had a transformation. As each day passed the bond between Pei and I has grown . Through each test and trial ,trust has grown and from that a bond has formed.

I had stared at her photo for nine months and dreamed of the day I would get to finally hold her. I loved a little girl that I had never meet or held but I knew she was my daughter. That is the beautiful thing about adoption. After meeting her came the hard part. I had to let go of my image of her and get to know the real Pei. I have discovered through this process that she is an amazing little girl who has a trusting and loving heart. One by one she has let the walls come down and has chosen to love and accept us as her own. I have had a glimpse at the wonderful character that she possess. I can only imagine the kind of young woman she will grow to become. But for now she is the kind of little sister that is always eager to cater to her big sisters artistic whims :)

and is never to far from her trusted,tattered friend ,bunny.

The other day my Mom said "Pei is the kind of little girl that can just steal your heart in an instant".

And indeed she has stolen mine:)

Now, I can look back and say we needed to go through this storm to get to the rainbow.